// I’m the kind of girl who can take down a man//

At this point in my life I am pretty sure that I should be locked away…

What the night taught me: I am not the kind of woman you want to make the mistake of falling in love with. Guys see in me the qualities they want to see, and latch onto that. I’m a chameleon. I tend to adapt to my environment, work hard to connect with people in a place they consider their comfort zone. It isn’t me abandoning who I am, but rather drawing out the qualities that will allow me to make a human connection. But they aren’t always the qualities I value most about myself. I want someone to see ME. I have no choice but to be honest. Then I get in trouble for it. I do NOT want to date. I don’t want to be held down, I don’t want any pain, I don’t want any tears, I don’t want to let my damn guard down.

Truth is, I am broken. Once, I made the mistake once of giving up on my dreams, and letting go of who I am, and my fear of that happening again is too high.

Someone said something to me along the lines of letting someone heal me… That isn’t how life works. I have spent my whole life burying my problems rather than facing them, and drowning them in the company of men is not how you “heal”. I know that routine well.

You think that me not allowing myself to fall in love with you is weak… is an excuse… No. It’s my way of being strong right now. Strong for myself. The next guy I let that wall down for is going to have to be pretty damn special, it doesn’t happen just cause you say so. 

I say when.

Not you.

// I love what I do//

Tonight, someone called me self absorbed. In a way I suppose I am. I fully engulf myself in my work, to the point where nothing else matters. True, it is MY work. But I do not do what I do for myself. Every day I get up, and go to a job that requires me to give all of myself to other people. I hand over my heart, my dreams, my stories, my wisdom to children who need someone to look up to. The two hours they spend with me is the best part of their day. I give them something to believe in. Something to strive for. I instill in them self-confidence, love, appreciation for life and most importantly themselves. At least I try. It’s my goal.

The few moments I have to myself each day, it is hard to be able to fully give the rest of what I have to anyone else. I drown in books, in work to make myself better at what I do, and I struggle to keep together the pieces of myself.

I want to be able to be 100% on all the time. I want to be able to remember every detail, give every free second to others, to be every else’s go to person… but there is only so much I can give.

I do not regret the way I live my life. I do not regret the choices I have made, even when I feel like I am doing too much. If I can’t look at myself in the mirror every day, happy with the person staring back at me, what do I have to live for? My dreams keep my going. My work keeps my heart beating. School keeps my mind sharp. My students enhance my ability to love.

I apologize…I apologize for not being able to be what everyone needs. I try. I do. If you cannot accept or understand why I do what I do, then you do not understand me. Why should I give to you if you cannot take the time to try and share a part of MY life that means the world to me?

Anger does not solve issues. Only forgiveness. I will not change who I am. The question is will you accept me for it?